“I am not being dramatic. I am being factual in a heightened manner.”

 "Yas queen!"

“I don’t panic. I perform rapid emotional calculations.”

 "You gotta do whatcha gotta do. Captain Raymond Holt. What's up?"

“I wasn’t smiling. My face simply experienced a momentary upward malfunction.”

"I'm a human. I'm a human male."

“The human body requires water, rest, and a firm understanding of procedure.”

"BOOST MY BOTTOM!"

"Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it."

"HOT DAMN!"

 "A bold personality. We know what that's code for. She's a bitch."

 "Well, Terry, if you'd like, I could share a lewd story. Kevin got me…quite horny this morning."

"YOU TOOK THE WRONG FLUFFY BOY!"

“My weekends are sacred. They contain silence, order, and a single polite blueberry muffin.”

“No, I will not ‘live a little.’ I am already living precisely the right amount.

"If you excuse me, Sergeant Wells. We need to go to the BRB. It's BRB time. We're BRB-ing."

"If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like."

"No, from now on, call me…Velvet Thunder!"

"She was such a strong female woman with nice, heavy breasts."

“I do not gossip. I share verified data with emotional subtext.”

“I am not angry. I am composing a strongly worded monologue in my mind.”

"I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets."

“If I wished to be mocked, I would attempt small talk at a barbecue.”

“A good leader does not raise his voice. He raises his eyebrows.”

"The night shift stinks. Stinks like a butt."

"I see you have a knife, but what you need is an umbrella. Cause there's a @$%! storm gonna rain down on you…PUNK!"

“Sarcasm is the coward’s truth. I prefer the brutal version.”

"Captain Wuntch, good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?"

“I don’t trust enthusiasm. It’s simply panic wearing a jaunty hat.”

 "I don't care for cheese. I'm a curd-mudgeon."

Think you know Captain Raymond Holt’s perfectly deadpan wisdom? Test yourself by deciding whether each quote is something Holt actually said… or just sounds like something he would say. Only true Brooklyn Nine-Nine fans will ace this.

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Brooklyn 99's Captain Holt Quotes: True or False